In my natural state to which I mean not being pulled like when I am (Working, around others, or other) I am unstable. Unable to go in a certain direction for long without being pulled back. When happy after awhile I go into miserable and into grey. When miserable I go to enlighten and back to grey. Its both good and bad. I use it at times to win arguments as in my head I can usually see both sides of the arguments or rationality
Like I stated above natural state is unstable. But when effected by outside elements
I easily gravitate or turn to that. Like when working, at home I am lazy sloth but
when I need to work or do other I do as I enter that state of mind. When alone I
am antisocial, when around others... Well I am still anti-
Its odd I mean I knew I had issues with it but I never thought anything of it. Until I watched INTERVENTION and the same thing people talk about and do in dealing with drugs I do with TV, INTERNET and FOOD. I use it to numb, I use it to forget my problems. Its all I think about and when I am away or its off I get withdraws. I am a full blown addict
Not full blown. But def have a few quirks that may be obsessive (Like with 2 or more people I dont enter the door first). Plus it couldnt explain why I dont like change.
There are many reasons for why I dont like to leave my house but the biggest is something that comes natural to everyone else or at least thats how I view it. Common speech. When people gather whether it be at family gatherings, work, or other they talk, socialize with one another. Now thats not hard in theory. But there are unspoken rules people follow . Like trying not to upset, say the wrong thing, trying not to allienate, offend, plus other things. For others it comes natural as they are normal and say normal things which dont break the rules. But for me its not natural. The topics that come to my head or what I like arent topics one would bring up. And the topics that are spoken dont interest me. For example after Hi, hello that usually where I stop and think “Ok what do I say now” For me its easier dealling with people I hardly see since I can repeat the same thing everytime. But when its people I see regurally like family thats hard. I often up repeating the same line multiple occasions. Like, “Oh hey hows so and so doing”
So if you see me just sitting somewhere quiet its usually because I am thinking,
“What topic should I bring up and with who?”
Because as you all now death, darkness, religion arent really topics you should bring up haha
When people are going through good times like holidays or weddings I like not attending and being alone thats why I hardly go places. But when people are going through bad times like deaths, sickness I throw off my selfish shackles and I rejoin the community/family to help. Its like the lord poem, " I walked with you during the good thats why you see two footprints and when you only saw 1 during the bad times thats because I was carring you." My love for others is at war with my self abosrbed anti social. In good times my selfish side wins in bad my selfless side wins and I put my needs to the side to help others.
I say this because a family member is hurting and all I can feel is there pain plus fear
I feel like a leesh at times sucking the life and goodness from the people around. Me I have cause so much emotional pain to the ones around me. Whether it be my constant depressive death talk, or my mental problems or my lazy attitude.
I AM DROWNING AND NOT ONLY DO I KNOW BUT WILL NOT CHANGE I AM DRAGGING PEOPLE DOWN WITH ME.
Look at my father. The day before my father died I saw signs but not only did I not 1 and 1 together but I also am the one who suggested he get energy drink. Plus I was tired and told him to go downstairs to sleep. He asked me before he went down if I could push Nick out but I said sure then I said nevermind go downstairs. I feel guilt because if I took a little effort maybe he would have been upstairs when he needed us. Maybe mom would have scene him struggling and called the ambulance I FEEL GUILT OVER THAT
Plus so much more
Ok sure its because I am a glutton and I really dont give a dam.
But there are other reasons.
I believe I am fat not only because I have issues. But also has safety device. You see being lazy I often say nah or I stopp and think. So in a
Either I am a Narcissist, Egotistical, or both?
Narcissist: a person who is overly self-
Egotistical: given to talking about oneself; vain; boastful; opinionated. indifferent
to the well-
For me its confusing I mean yes I do have those traits but not all the tipe.
Am I vain and selfish, yes. Do I boast, am I opinionated even I dont have a clue Yes.
I mean look at this site. I made it all about me, me, me.
Sure I care about others, but only because it effects me. I often find myself just looking at my self in a mirror. I like to be the center of the show and if I am not I hold a “hissy fit” I do get jealous when I am not the center of attention.
So am I a narcissist, egotistical Yes
One of my biggest issues is my ability to be rational. Now I know sometimes its good like when calming yourself down, Oh that pissed me
Criminal Minds Ep s13e08 Neon Terror :
“What is he, then? He could just be a digital loner.
You see lots of guys and girls like that these days.
They have the impulse to catalog their lives no matter how mundane it is to the rest of the world.”
Wow, thanks Criminal Minds, I didnt realize there was a word for it besides dellusional but hey Digital Longer sounds right to. Oh I do that. My life is mundane, I literally get up have coffee and watch TV and thats about it, but as you can see by this site. I not only catalog it hmm daily blog, but I try to make it look more special than it really is. Hmm amybe thats why no one wants to make ashow of my life, since its only entertaining in my own head haha.
About me in Depth