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6/3/2016: I truly understand now why some people end up like the Joker. Laughing psychotically as they do dark and nasty things. Darkness came over me as I thought about how my life was going down as well as other things and in a couple instances I smiled not because I saw the light but I think I had a mini break and I thought about well lets just say mayhem and other dark topics and I laughed. - I guess even the strongest things need to relieve the pressure somehow. Some break like me and return. While other are complete broken and become psycho who laugh in the face of dark because its funny.

6/19/2016- Had a bad depressive episode last night. Its not the sadness thats bad its the hopelessness. Life is good but when your mind is corrupted even the most good days can hurt. My life is great and yesterday all I could think about was this is the best its going to get. As I have lost people I am only reminded that as time moves on we cant go back and also there is no point. Sure I am missing the little things but I dont want to spoil others. I am starting to realize maybe being a mindless drone isnt so bad. As well as other things which I am not going to say

7/4/2016- I am becoming cold and hateful. I dont know if its because with each passing day I closing myself more and more. But today was awful. My axiety was up because the neighbors were outside. Plus I was extra sensitive to noise. It was a bad day. Well Carol came home I thought I could handle it I walked out of my room saw her and I had to go back. I then put myself in self induced sleep I couldnt stand being awake. Maybe its my life but I think I am cracking.

7/18/2016- Maybe its because I have no hope or maybe because I just watched intervention I dont know but right now I feel like a decaying man who feels nothing. If someone where to put a gun to my head right now I wouldnt care. I feel nothing except an empty void and maybe a little darkness from the realization.

8/19/2016- I have come to the terms that my family is a blessing and a curse. They are the nicest people but are ok with being normal. They want to save everyone and everything but financially cant. Its starting to where its tole. Right now one of the family needs to get rid of there animal (Because they love people but apparently get bored easily) so now we are going to take there animal in. FUN FACT: We cant handle the 6 we have now. Its irritating. I am starting to weigh in is it even worth it. Sure they are there for me when I need them but they are also as equaly a drag. I am starting to view them as a chore which I dont like but its true.

10/30/2016- I am 26 unemployed and a loser. I know I am lazy but if that was it then great. But I am starting to think maybe I am to damaged. I am depressed, anxious, obese I can manage in the normal world. Thats why I want to get famous because I cant do normal. I am starting to realize that.

12/1/2016: I dont know if its because I am looking but I feel my body is decayin (First my heart, then my nerves, no my teeth). Which is good but its pissing me off how slowly it is, how much decay must take before it completely falls. Well at least theres still the obesity which I can feel working, heart is becoming faster and more things make me out of breath so theres that

1/19/2016- Every day I am alive is another day I cant wait for death. I know I must wait because society says to. But I am starting to smile when I think about the end. Knowing all my issues will be gone. Sure the joy to but I am ok leaving that. Everyday is another day sooner to my bliss. Even if I am sent to hell it will be a better feeling than the hopeless one I have now. I wont off myself but I will keep lowering the date by eating, and doing other bad things. Hopefully soon I

8/6/2017- I am starting to view my pets mostly Bailey as burden. I know there family but I am starting to despicethem. The constant accidents, the constant back yard cleanup the constant walking over my head unable to go one day without yelling at them to stop walking around. I am starting to loose it. But I cant express it out there because then Carol has a fucking hissy fit if I show even a little negativity all because she wants to save them but I get there burden on me. I know if I got a job it prop would be better but right now if they all died I would grieve sure but part of me would be glad

8/8/2017- Carol told me I should go to barbaras to get my life together. I really see her point, hell I think about it all the time I am 27 unemployed. But she needs to fucking understand I am trying. I know I am a burden on her I get it but if I have to fucking settle for a meanless 9-5 job then I might well (I wont say but we know) at least I dont need to suffer hating my life. So I am sorry I am not getting a job outside the fucking house, but I am fucking looking and I am fucking trying. If my family could help that would be great but they fucking dont. I guess they are ok settling. If anyone can help me even a little to get into hosting proffesionally that would great. I am just sick and tired of my loved ones looking at me weird. This is why I hate hate going to family get togethers its always the same thing

12/6/2017: I honestly cant remember the last day I went feeling good all day without even a  little rage coming on. Its a combination of the weight of the world, plus the fact my life well is shit, and its all my fault, then mix in the responsibility I supposely have but dont want in dealing with the dogs and the cats, And every little noise sets me off. Whether its the steps above my head or there whining. I find myself blowing up with anger. Now I dont hit or hurt the animals but I do yell and curse. Cant wait for the days I finally find peace and joy

12/17-12/18/2017: I think I had manic depressive episode but honestly cant tell. 12/17 maybe it was the sugar rush or cold or what, but my head was all weird its like I was having 100 thoughts a minute but being an idiot I couldnt focus on them I was all jittery and energenice, but fell asleep around 2am woke around 5:30 from an intense dream and it felt opposite like I was focused on one and really dark dreadful feeling I mean it kind of disapated but it was just odd feeling. Again dont know if thats what youd call manic  depressive but weird

12/23/2017: I truly fucking hate my life, I hate being alive I hate everything around me, I hate everything around me being alive, I hate the social interaction I hate the people. But most of all I hate my fucking pets, Pets are suppose to bring mental health. But I have never been so full of rage then with them especially Baily. I have never hated being alive more, I cant stand them I cant stand the responsibility of taking care of them, if theres ever someothing to tell me never have kids its them. Them and Carol are going to drive me to drink or worse and I pray it happens soon I cant take it the constant hatred, the constant breaks where I just sit in pray it gets better. It does then it doesnt. I do have breakdowns I never did before but I do where I just blow up. All because the dogs,cats and carol are there. I know if I move out maybe in an apartment where I have very little responsibility and interaction with others it may get better but its hard when the hole world makes you feel the same fucking way

My Dark Daily Blog

(Not Daily Just when I feel like it)

If you havent figured it out. I am full of depression, anger issues, self loathing and so much more

Here is where I will write down my dark side version of my daily blog. If you are worried about dont me my light side counter acts it in away. But if your really worried come to me and lets talk dont go to the authorities. Been there done that. I write this to vent and to let people know I am not just the quite guy or the crazy guy.  I DO HAVE A DARK TWISTED SIDE. HAHA